If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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