she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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