I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
What drink are we having for lunch?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Randomize
