smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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