and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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