I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
