I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
