When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
