Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
