I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
