Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Oh god it's open bar.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
