I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i think i have two assholes
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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