And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
