Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in