I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
