she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
