my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
