you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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