we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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