I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
