i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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