I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
