great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
