I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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