Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
