i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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