is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Someone came in the potted fern
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
