i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
