she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
