Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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