did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
