i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
