Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
