His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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