Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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