Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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