I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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