2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
