I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
whose ass print is on the piano?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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