There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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