i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
