Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
