alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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