Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
