What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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