JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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