I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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