me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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