How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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