I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
