Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize