I can tuck mytits in my pants
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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