am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
